Columbine 27 Years Later

 I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about this year.

Something that came to mind was remembering how when the shooting happened- everyone looked out for everyone- didn't matter what grade you were, if you were friends or not- we just ran, we huddled up, we took others in.

It shows that in the face of the unthinkable we all put our walls down and go into survival mode. 

I think that human connection is beautiful and something I wish we could all hone in on a little more.

The feelings of unity wihthin the Columbine commnuity is really strong.

We get it.

And we did it all in the beginning without social media holding us together. We had to bond and unify in person and I think that says something about human connection.

I am feeling good this year. I had a moment where I was thinking about when my sister ran out the doors of the scshool across the street and wondering what people driving by were thinking in that moment and how kids were running for their lives and it really just pricked my heart. We were all just babies.

I don't have anything else to say at the moment. Hopefully I will come back and add more another time.

Columbine 26 Years Later

 

My thoughts from Instagram:

April always feels heavy.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how tragedy and trauma go hand in hand—and how nobody really knows how they’ll react in a moment like that. The brain tries to protect you. It looks for anything familiar, anything “normal,” even when the world is falling apart.

I remember exactly what I was wearing on April 20, 1999. I remember hearing two loud bangs and not knowing what they were. A few seconds later, I saw students running toward us… and then I saw my principal running too.

My brain couldn’t make sense of it.

I thought maybe there was a fight in the gym. Or that a cheerleader had fallen off the pyramid. I thought they were all running to help. That was the only version that made sense in the moment—because the truth was too big to grasp.

It’s strange the things you remember. The little details. The way your mind rewrites reality just to help you survive it.

For years, I carried the weight of that day like armor. But eventually, I realized that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. And forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was okay—it just means I’m no longer letting it keep me stuck in pain.

Forgiveness, for me, has been one of the most freeing choices I’ve ever made. It opened the door to peace. To possibility. To life beyond survival.

As April 20th approaches, I’m holding space for the confusion, the memories, the progress, and the grace. All of it matters.

To anyone walking through trauma or trying to let go of something that hurt them deeply: you're not alone. Healing is possible. And forgiveness—when you're ready—can be the start of something lighter.

I recently read the book written by Dylan Klebold’s mom.

It was hard. It was triggering. It was heavy.

But I’m glad I read it.

For so many years, I’ve only thought of Harris and Klebold in the context of what they did that day—defined by their actions and the horror they caused. They felt distant, terrifying… old, even. Murderers.

But this book allowed me to see Dylan through a different lens—through his mother’s eyes. And I think that’s okay.

To be clear, she never excused his actions or justified them. She didn’t try to make it easier to understand. But she did offer another perspective—one I’d never considered before.

I had never really focused on the fact that they died by suicide. I always thought, “They killed themselves so they wouldn’t get caught,” and left it at that. Maybe we’ll never fully understand their intentions. But this book made me stop and think. About a lot of things—some of which I still can’t even put into words.

She also shared about the people who showed up for their family in the aftermath. The ones who offered support when most of us couldn’t—or didn’t think to. That really moved me. I’m grateful for the ones who extended kindness in the middle of something so unimaginable.

She described how easily Dylan was able to hide what he was really going through. On the outside, he seemed like any other teen—supportive family, involved parents, a social life. But inside, he was unraveling. And he kept that hidden.

I don’t blame his family. Sometimes, yes—there are homes with violence or addiction or clear signs of dysfunction. But in this case, none of that existed. And that shifted something in me. It reminded me to leave room for grace. To hold space for the families left behind, too.

This year has been harder than others. I think it is in part to reading the book and taking in all that information and having it bring up old thoughts and memories.

Some years are easier to remember- this one isn't one of those years, but I'm still grateful for it to fall on Easter Sunday.

I'm grateful for my Savior. For the knowldege of eternal life and the peace that brings me.

Columbine Year 25

I have 25 years of healing and progresssion and time behind me when it comes to going through a school shooting.

It really is crazy to think about.

25 years of growth and steps backward and 25 years of trauma and nightmares and 25 years of PTSD and being on high alert when I'm in public.

25 years of knowing that bad things can happen to anyone and knowing I'm not invincible.

25 years to learn what forgiveness means and how it has helped me heal.

25 years of learning empathy, having compassion and becoming who I am today for what I have gone through.

25 years of remembering.

25 years of being more aware of the miracles that happened that day and continue to happen in my life.

25 years of being grateful for my life.

"With our trust and faith in God, trials and afflictions can be consecrated for our good. Lived with faith, trials and sacrifices we would never choose can bless us and others in ways never imagined. Heavenly Father does not give trials to punish or judge."

25 years of doing hard things.

When reflecting on this milestone I can't help but still think this happened to me.

I actually lived through  a school shooting and it was my school on the news. It was my community. It was my classmates and friends and people I knew who died or were injurned.

It's a very real thing to actually come to terms with. And looking back over the years I have to recognize the hard things I have done despite and inspite of it all.

"But Jesus Christ also intimately understands our every pain, affliction, sickness, sorrow, separation. He helps heal the broken and disparaged, reconcile the angry and divided, comfort the lonely and isolated, encourage the uncertain and imperfect, and bring forth miracles possible only with God."

Going back to the beginning.

Weeks after it happened I joined my classmates and attended our rival and neighboring high school- Chatfield- to finish off the school year. We split the day with Chatfield- they went in the morning and we were bussed their in the afternoon. When I got home it was dinner time.

We had to learn the layout of  a new school and be back IN A SCHOOL so soon after our tragedy.

But we did it.

I walked through my school weeks (months?) later to collect my garbage bag full of belongings left in the school. It contained my back pack, the clothes I wore that day (I had been in PE at the time) my locker belongings including my lunch from April 20th. It felt eery. And it was hard and it was scary and it didn't feel right.

And that following August- I went back to school at Columbine as a sophomore. I would walk past the gym, the library that had been closed off and although they tried to cosmetically change what needed to be changed- I still am in awe that myself and so many of the students and teachers and faculty chose to go back.

I would go on to graduate from Columbine High School in 2002- for three more years in the school that caused so much pain. But somehow- actually made so many good memories. 

Kids are resillient. I don't know that I would go back to where it happened if I were an adult. But as kids- we felt empowered. 

"With eternal power and infinite goodness, in God’s plan of happiness all things can work together for our good. We can face life with confidence and not fear."

We were strong and Columbine made us that way.

I've done hard things by way of choosing to look for the good, for choosing to forgive and choosing to move forward.

I've done hard things by living with reocurring nightmares, dealing with certain smells and weather and songs triggering flashbacks or feelings or emotions.

I've done hard things by learning to let myself feel sadness when I need to, to do deep dives into reading about Columbine on the internet- finding my victim statement on line, reading my sister's statement- and just giving myself grace when I just need to soak it all in-  to go through my box labeled "Columbine" and look through all the memories, letters and more.

I've done hard things for choosing to not read about or learn about other school shootings- because it is always just too hard- because it takes me back to that place. 

I've done hard things by sharing my story in group settings, online, in the newspaper and in video form.

I've done hard things by talking to my children about what happened to me. And by having those conversations more often  than you might think- answering their questions and calming their worries.

I've done hard things by sending my children to school.

I've done hard things by learning to accept how others heal and accepting their stance on gun laws and what the "solution" is.

I've done hard things by sometimes still feeling "stuck" at age 15 the age I experienced this trauama. 

I've done hard things by going out in public despite my mind almost always going to ...what if...and what I would do...

It has been 25 years of "doing hard things" because of my experience. 

And it's all a part of my story and my journey and while I don't want it to define me (although I know at times it has and will) I hope, that in some way it has also refined me.

I've experienced other heartache, too. Infertility, Death, Sadness, Loneliness, Worries, a pandemic, difficult pregnancies and more.

I've learned from those things, too.

25 years ago my life changed and flipped upside down. My parents and siblings and extended family and my community all had their life changed.

25 years is a lifetime and I can only hope that I've done the best with my situation as I possibly could.

"When we trust God and His love for us, even our greatest heartbreaks can, in the end, work together for our good."

At the end of the day we remember the 13 lives lost- the lives they didn't get to live. Their families who live with this pain every day.

I hope they feel peace today and feel proud of themselves for doing something they never should have had to do. I hope they feel their loved ones close. I know they are with us.

"You are a Columbine Rebel for life and no one can ever take that away from you."

HOPE, RESILIENCE and REMEMBRANCE

*quotes by Elder Gerrit W. Gong

Columbine 24 Years Later

 Today marks the 24th year since Columbine.

I always wonder what I will write about on this day and even when I don't think I have anything new to say- some thoughts come to remembrance and that is what has happened this year.

I want to share a story that I have told noone. It always felt too sacred but I want it to be shared because I think it is important, too.

It is an experience I had six months after Columbine.

This day I was at school when there was a rumor of a bomb threat. We had these often during the next few years after April 20th. Bomb threats or rumors of someone else coming back to "finish the job".

For some reason this bomb threat sent me going home early. I can't recall the details if it was just whisperings in the hallway or something that was talked about by adminstration- or who left or who stayed but I do believe I went home early.

I remember this gutted me and took me right back to April 20th- only six months earlier.

That night I lay on the bottom bunk bed and I curled up into a ball and just cried and cried.

I felt so broken.

I was so sad.

I hated how I felt.

I was hopeless.

I remember as I laid there I suddenly felt a strong prescence on my back as if someone had their had on pressed down and began rubbing it. 

It felt peaceful.

It felt calming.

I remember that I soon was able to calm down and relax and as I fell asleep I had the distinct impression that it was my Grandma Barker, who had passed away about three years prior- who was my heavenly angel that evening sent down to comfort me in my time of need.

I never questioned it, I just believed.

I have thought about that experience several times over the years and it still feels just as strong today as it did then.

I believe that our loved ones still live and are aware of us. I believe they watch over us and help us daily- in ways we are aware of- and ways we are not.

This experience is one I will never forget and a reminder that even when you feel alone and that noone is there- we are surrounede by angels even if we can't recognize what that feels like.

I know even small moments like that one were made for me to help me during my healing process and that others who have gone through similar tragedies need our prayers.

24 years later I still have triggers. I still cry. I still cannot believe that I lived through a school shooting. It almost feels like I'm wathcing a movie or reading about something someone else went through.

I've talked about it so much I could do it in my sleep, yet I still remember things that were once forgotten and then the emotions are right back to the surface.

So this year I'm leaning into everything. I'm grateful for time. I'm grateful for forgiveness. I'm grateful that even though I live with PTSD I have been able to have my heart softened and I am not filled with anger.

24 year is SO many years.

Thoughts....

 As always, in the weeks and days leading up to April 20th I have had those events on my mind and in my heart more than usual.

With recent school shootings I have also had more triggers and moments where emotions were brought to the surface.

I have found that I have a hard time with the constant finger pointing and anger and contention on social media that always happens after one of these horrible tragedies. I understand where it is coming from. I hate that this is happening frequently, but as someone who has expereinced a tragedy like this I have found myself not finding certain posts empowering or that there is just one answer to what needs to be done. Most of the posts denouncing prayers are particualarly triggering because I beleive prayer is all we have left and I believe in the power of prayer in so many situations.

How can we find solutions without first praying to know what to do?

Shortly after a recent shooting at the Tennessee Christian school I was wondering why when I saw people sharing on social media about "doing more than prayers" or "enough is enough" or "its the guns" as if there are no other possible reasons why this keeps happening- it never made me feel good inside.

Within a few days was General Conference and as I listend to President Nelson I felt such validation and comfort and peace as he spoke these words:

"Anger never persuades. Hostility builds no one. Contention never leads to inspired solutions."

It was then that I knew that I was not wrong for not feeling good about or peace about all the angry posts and carousels being shared not only in anger (understandably) but also pacing blame in places it didn't need to be.

I personally try to be diplomatic in anything I share about school violence because I know there are so many factors involved and people are just trying to do what they think are right- but I also try to see both sides and be understanding because that is what I would want in return for what I feel is important.

Hearing Pres. Nelson share these thoughts was important because it helped me know what the Spirit was already whispering to me. If we want change- it cannot and will not happen in a spirit of contention or anger or finger pointing.

So what is the change? I don't know. But I do feel as if if anything is going to change it needs to start with prayer. Praying to know what to do. Praying for hearts to be softened. Praying for intervention to take place. Praying for softened hearts and praying for our country to insitll values that we once held dear.

So, those are just a few random thoughts I have had on my mind lately. 

How Infertility Affected My Feelings Of Belonging in Church

I was recently asked my a woman in my Ward to help with part of her Relief Society lesson. She was discussing the Conference Talk "The Doctrine of Belonging" by D. Todd Christofferson.

In the talk he shares a story of a Sister who struggled to feel like she belonged because of their inferitlity.

The lady in my ward asked me to share my own experience with infertility and how it affected by feelings of belonging and my relationship with my Savior.

This is what I shared with the women in my church:

Celia has asked me to take a few minutes to share about my experience with infertility and how it affected my relationship with  Christ and my feelings of belonging.

I want to begin by saying that I know infertility is a very sensitive and personal subject for many reasons. And I pray that I can share my thoughts delicately and with the spirit.

If you haven’t experienced infertility you may not understand why it’s so hard 

But when you want to add to your family but not able to it can bring 

Feelings of isolation loneliness embarrassment 

Early on We were told that we had a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant 

We were able to get pregnant with our two oldest daughters fairly easily and within a few years of each other with the help of fertility treatments.

But then it would be seven years before we were able to get pregnant again. 

And those seven years were filled with dozens of failed fertility treatments (the same one that was successful before), surgeries, medications, shots, doctors appointments many disappointments.

Finally after seven years , we were able to get pregnant after our third round of IVF with our daughter Ivy.

But those were some of the hardest seven years.

SO I never questioned my faith or felt like I wanted to stop coming to church.

But it was hard to come to church at times. 

This was a time when most of my friends were having baby after baby and had little kids while mine just got older and I  felt out of place at times because I was in a different stage of life and it was hard.

However, it was while I was at church that I also felt closest to Christ and often felt the spirit calm my heart and give me comfort.

I want to share three quick experiences that helped me feel the love of Christ during this trial that in turn helped me feel like I had a place in the gospel.

I was serving in the Primary Presidency during a particularly hard season of our infertility journey.  

And I remember on several occasions coming to church- having just gone through a grueling week of fertility shots, or learning that our fertility treatment had failed-and I felt really bitter and sad. And often felt like I wanted to stay home.

AS soon as I walked through those Primary doors 

there was a tangible spirit that would overcome me and I would feel immense peace and joy. 

As I interacted with the children, taught my Sharing Time and sang Primary hymns 

I was given relief from my trial and could feel my burdens physically being lifted.

And I will forever be grateful for that calling and those tender mercies.

Another experience I wanted to share happened at a RS activity. 

While there someone brought up that our friend (who was also there) had just found out she was having another baby.

And of course, everyone was so happy and excited for her. And I'm sure I tried to put on a happy face and congratulate her- but inside my heart was breaking. This was during another really tender time for me.

As I got home that night and stepped out of my car, I saw someone pull up behind me. And it was that friend who I just learned was pregnant. 

and she ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug and with tears in her eyes she told me she loved me and she was so sorry for the pain I was feeling

 SHE TOLD ME it was okay to be sad and to not be happy for her pregnancy right then.

In that moment I felt so seen and loved and even though felt like I didn’t fit in with everyone having babies- I still felt like I had a place  because of the love of this friend was offering me.

The Third experience was when

I was being set apart by Bishop Knight as the RS President.

When I was asked to serve in that calling we were preparing to do another round of IVF. And I really thought that it meant that having this calling was Heavenly Father’s way of preparing me for more disappointment.

I really thought there was no way that I would finally be pregnant. During the same time I was in that calling 

In that blessing he told me that the desires of my heart would not be withheld from me during my time of service.

But hearing that message through Bishop Knight brought me such peace and helped me feel like God was aware of me and my worries.

We found out we were pregnant with Ivy about a month later.

Ironically, I  ended up having three babies during my time as RS President

We found out we were expecting twins shortly after Ivy turned one. This was a miraculous surprise because we did not do any fertility treatments.

I do want to say that I don't know why things worked out for us like that. 

I do know that it's not because we deserve it more, or were more faithful than others.

But I have learned that Heavenly Father knows more than we can comprehend and He is aware of us and he will make up our heartache to us.

I shared those experiences because they are moments that stood out to me. 

Moments where I remember feeling close to Christ and felt  his love for me. 

What is so beautiful about the gospel and this church and its teachings is  that -yes we talk a lot about families and raising children 

But we  also talk a lot about  loving others ,and minister  and act on promptings 

because we all have struggles that make us feel alone or like we don’t fit in.

Looking back, I know I was able to get through hard days 

because of the comfort and the love of Christ shown to me through other people 

. Whether it was primary children or a friend who was aware of me, or words given through a blessing. 

 I was able to have these  moments where I saw the hand of God in my life, experienced miracles . 

 Because of those experiences  I was able to feel like I had a place and that I belonged.

dusting off the 'ol blog

 Lately I have been feeling a pull to write more. I have so many thoughts and experiences that I want to share. Instagram captions don't always allow the depth and length of what I want to say or what's in my heart. It just hit me that I have this blog. This blog where I used to write and record diligently every week for years and years. I treasure those memories I recorded and I'm sad I haven't been as good about it.

So, I might starting writing on here again. Lots on my mind that I want to share. I've had so many experiences recently (the past few years) that have taught me so many lessons and I think about often.

I'm no sure where this will take me or when I'll get started but I'm committing to doing it. 

XO

Cindy

Columbine 23 year later

 23 years.

23 years is a whole, adult person. And it has been that many years ago.

Sometimes the details of that day are kind of foggy and unclear. The more time goes by, the easier it is to mix up the timeline or  things differently. 

I question my memory and my version of events. I remember that day being gloomy and over cast- while many others recall it being a bright, sunny Spring day in Littleton.

I might associate that day as being dreary because that is what it became. But in my mind, that's how I picture that day when I close my eyes.

Running out of the school. Walking to the public library. Waiting outside for my mom.

The days that followed felt like a cloud and a dream- foggy- therefore dark and rainy in my memory.

But of all the things I can't quite remember- the emotions and feelings of that day are clear and crisp in my memory.

Smells and sounds and feelings bring me right back to that day. The fear I felt still creeps back into my dreams and hit me when I least expect it to.

I know what I went through, but sometimes it seems so crazy- that it happened to me, to us.

But 23 years later things are good. I struggle with being scared, with fears, with worrying, with watching, with jumping to conclusion, with not trusting others, with all the things that trauma can bring.

Will that ever leave? I really don't know. But it is there as a reminder of what I've been through and how far I've come, too.

I'm proud of my history. I'm proud to be a Columbine Rebel. I'm proud that I've liven my life in a way that has been productive and inspiring. I'm grateful for what I've been through and for my story and for my pain.

I hope I can continue to learn and grow and progress and heal. Some years are harder than others. Some Aprils are hard than others. Some are easier. Sometimes memories come flooding back and sometimes I let them hit and I feel them. Sometimes I push them away and think of them another day.

But my wounds are now scars and aren't as obvious to others and even myself at times. But they're there to remind me and sometimes the ache returns, the pain and I've learned to sit with it and feel it and then continue to move forward.

So, 23 years later, even though it feels weird to say and it seems like so long ago it's still a big part of who I am and who I have become.

to whom it may concern....

There are currently no mask mandates in the state of Utah. There are many who choose to wear masks and many who don’t. 

Those who don’t are often unfairly categorized as being uneducated, misinformed, selfish, a conspiracy theorist, or accused of only listening to or reading “right wing media”.

I hope through sharing my personal experiences I can adequately articulate the reasons behind our beliefs.

It’s my hope that whomever reads this can do so in a reflective manner with respect and an open mind and not be so quick to judge.

I can say for myself that I have spent countless hours pondering, praying and looking at this from all angles when deciding what is best for our family. After doing so we feel strongly that wearing masks is something that we are no longer comfortable with.

I feel very strongly that children have been impacted by the mandates and shutdowns more than any other community, despite being the lowest risk. I believe that children need to see faces and smiles. Expressions. Emotions. They need to learn to speak, listen, and learn without masks standing in their way.

I  believe the added pressure of being told they have to wear a mask to stay safe and protect others is harmful. There has been enough studies and information shown that unless it is an N 95 mask worn properly, cloth masks do little to protect yourself and nothing to protect others- therefore making the mantra "my mask protects you" obsolete.

It has been stated that:  Early childhood is a crucial period when humans develop cultural, language, and social skills, including the ability to detect emotion on other people’s faces. Social interactions with friends, parents, and caregivers are integral to fostering children’s growth and well-being.

With permission I share this story my sister shared with me:

“Several weeks ago, as I sat in primary (our church's children’s class)  as the only one without a mask, a child turned around and looked at me. This child had a somber look on his face, but when the child made eye contact with me, I gave this child a smile. The child’s mask had fallen below their mouth, and as soon as they saw my smile, they burst into a bigger smile than I’d seen them have in months. At this moment, I felt the spirit very strongly that children need to see faces”

Last spring we visited my sister who lives in a different state where mask regulations were much more relaxed. One afternoon they went to the grocery store with their older cousin. 

As soon as they got home- they ran through the door with the biggest smiles- and with genuine relief and excitement told us how they didn’t have to wear a mask and how awesome  it was.

It both melted my heart and broke it at the same time and was a sincere wake up call.

I  do not think masks are going away. I believe people will always wear them. But to make it an expectation for everyone Is no longer fair.

With the studies and information that continue to come out on masks and the idea that Covid is here to stay we all need to adapt and do what is best for our families as we move forward in life so we can live our lives to the fullest.

To have wearing a mask continue to be an outward virtue signal of someone who is deemed more  obedient and more caring than another is something that I plead- needs to stop. 

I am well aware that my Church leaders have urged members to wear masks at Church. I have not taken their urging lightly. They have also asked us to follow the recommendations of our local government leaders- and as of right now they have lifted all mask mandates.

After their statement came out I did wear a mask again to church. But it became something that was consuming my every  thought while there and  I couldn’t focus, I felt uncomfortable, I felt like a fraud because wearing a mask was something I had become morally opposed to.

It was not until I decided to stop wearing one all together that I felt at peace. At this time we are one of a few who don't currently wear masks at church.

I respect and love my Church leaders. I am a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I have a strong testimony of the gospel in which I believe and in the way I conduct and live my life- and that is not changing. 

We have prayed for guidance to navigate Covid as many of you have. 

Our family has prayerfully decided against wearing masks and we move forward in confidence with this decision. 

This is not something we are deciding flippantly. It is something we feel strongly about and we have weighed the pros and cons seriously. I am grateful our children are not forced to wear masks at school or at other public places. But the expectation is still there from many.

I do not like to stand out or give anyone the impression that I am not following the rules. I cringe at the notion that someone might think I am being a bad example or that they are afraid of me because I am not wearing a mask. 

The fact that people actually think this way is disheartening.

I have been told recently that my way of thinking is flawed and that by choosing to not wear a mask I am being selfish and not thinking of others- a sentiment that I resent.

In reality, this choice has not come lightly and I cannot understand how someone can in one breath preach caring and kindness for others while blatantly being rude and dismissive in another.

To be clear- from the beginning I have taken Covid seriously. I have felt afraid and worried for my health and for that of my family. 

We didn't know what to expect from this pandemic. It was new and unchartered territory.

We are now two years in and have had time to make decisions that reflect where we stand and what we are now comfortable with instead of falling in line and doing exactly what we are told without being given the opportunity to think for ourselves.

When we were asked to “stay home, stay safe” we did just that. Our kids didn’t go anywhere for months other than our front yard and our next door neighbor’s house. We didn’t get together with friends or do anything that was not deemed “essential”.

We supported our children and their teachers with remote learning.

We went 15 months before having a joint Sunday dinner with family. 

I spent hours helping to assemble kits for women in our area to sew masks for health care workers.

I spent hours collecting those masks, dividing  up materials  and finding people to sew them during the summer of 2020.

When the pandemic hit in early 2020 my family, like everyone else, began wearing masks.

I wore a mask to church, to the store, to restaurants. 

I was also pregnant with twins during most of 2020.

This meant, I also wore a mask to every doctor’s appointment, blood draw, ultrasound, Non-stress test and every time I was admitted to the hospital for pre-term labor. 

Masks were required the moment you walked into a facility which meant I was wearing a mask walking up stairs, riding in confined elevators and in waiting rooms where at times I had to wait for hours.

Because you are only allowed to take your mask off when you are alone in a room I was wearing a mask more often than not during these appointments. 

Including a two hour long 20 week scan where I had to be flat on my back the entire time- 20 weeks pregnant- with twins. 

And I did this every time -  all alone without AJ. Due to Covid regulations he missed every appointment including the ultrasound that gave us the surprise that we were having twins. 

I pushed two humans out of my body wearing a mask.

I couldn't see my newly delivered twins for hours because they had to wait for my covid test to come back before they would “allow” me to be near them.

 So trust me when I say I have been compliant.

Wearing a mask during that difficult time of my life definitely affected my mental health with my already high risk pregnancy. A pregnancy where I was exhausted and sick the entire time, where walking through the store, sitting in church, or a waiting room- wearing a mask left me out of breath with feelings of claustrophobia and paranoia.

Could someone argue that this was just a small sacrifice for me when so many others had it much worse? Yes. You can always say that someone has it worse and  argue against any point, but that doesn’t take my truth and my experiences away from me or make what I went through any less valid.

I feel that wearing a mask during that time has left me with many traumatic associations due to the extreme experiences I had both physically and emotionally during my pregnancy.

When our family got Covid in October I had a near mental breakdown - believing I was going to die- despite not even getting that sick.

It was then that I realized I had allowed fear to take over and I had given into the chaos and darkness  surrounding Covid.

It was a dark and scary moment for me.  And that is not something I want for myself or my family ever again. 

My experience at Columbine have left me with crippling PTSD that has made me live in fear more than half my life despite my best efforts not to.

I have to do better by my children. I will not be a part of instilling fear in them that they are only safe when wearing a mask or have them carry the burden of keeping others safe by that same token.

I feel strongly that I have to take a stand for my children and for the next generation that will be the recipients of these crippling affects if we don’t do what we can to change the narrative.

We all have the ability to receive our own personal revelation for ourselves and our families. It is unfair to believe that everyone will come to the same answer.

I believe we may be prompted to do different things to help us learn to live together peacefully with others despite our differing beliefs. 

(disclaimer: obviously this mindset does not apply in choosing to do anything immoral, illegal, or unethical)

In a time where information is changing daily and we are constantly learning and re-evaluating- let there be space and grace for others to change their minds and decide where they stand.

We often talk about unity and wanting more of it in our communities and our country. It seems like many believe unity can only be accomplished when everyone agrees. I believe that unity occurs when others come together despite their differences and learn to live in harmony together.

A friend of mine shared that she feels the Lord is testing us right now to see who will truly love as Christ does despite all our disagreements.

And we will be judged on our efforts to love others regardless of their choices.

I respect and love anyone who thinks differently than I do.

I am not perfect but I have always tried to show love and compassion for others even when I have not received it in return. 

I will not stand for anyone telling me that my way of thinking, and the decisions we have made as a family are flawed. 

I am not asking to change anyone’s mind. I am simply asking for people to understand that the decisions we’ve made may not make sense to you, but they are what we feel is right for us.

 I believe in personal revelation to make decisions that are right for our family, just as you have for yours. Instead of judging others because they don’t have the same opinion as you-perhaps we all have something to learn from each other.

It has recently become apparent to me that I can no longer let others decide what is best for me and my family, and I can no longer stand by quietly and allow others to form an opinion of me  and my choices without being given the chance to share insight into why.

Very rarely, when people disagree do they take the time to genuinely ask how you came to form your opinion or make your choice because they have already assumed and formulated a reason as to why.

And that is more frequently met with disdain, judgment, and bullying.

It is our job as parents to help give our children all the information to help them make wise choices. It is important for us to teach our children to not live in fear. To not be afraid of someone who is not wearing a mask or to be afraid to go somewhere where there are large groups of people.

I would be failing my children if I didn't teach them how to lovingly stand up for their beliefs and to not be afraid to stand for their convictions.

Most importantly, I feel an urgency to stand up for what I feel is important and that is allowing our children to live a life of normalcy.  Yes, kids are resilient- but at what cost? And at running the risk of creating unnecessary trauma and habits that will stay with them for a lifetime.

So when you see someone without a mask don't assume they are being rebellious or disobedient or reckless, selfish or careless.

Assume they are making choices and decisions that are important to them. 

That they have  weighed the pros and cons. Assume that they are good people who do love others , who don't want people to get sick and die, and want Covid to "end" just as much as you do. 

And maybe, getting back to normal and agreeing that this virus is here to stay but learning to not only live- but thrive- is one way we can take a step in the right direction .