How Infertility Affected My Feelings Of Belonging in Church

I was recently asked my a woman in my Ward to help with part of her Relief Society lesson. She was discussing the Conference Talk "The Doctrine of Belonging" by D. Todd Christofferson.

In the talk he shares a story of a Sister who struggled to feel like she belonged because of their inferitlity.

The lady in my ward asked me to share my own experience with infertility and how it affected by feelings of belonging and my relationship with my Savior.

This is what I shared with the women in my church:

Celia has asked me to take a few minutes to share about my experience with infertility and how it affected my relationship with  Christ and my feelings of belonging.

I want to begin by saying that I know infertility is a very sensitive and personal subject for many reasons. And I pray that I can share my thoughts delicately and with the spirit.

If you haven’t experienced infertility you may not understand why it’s so hard 

But when you want to add to your family but not able to it can bring 

Feelings of isolation loneliness embarrassment 

Early on We were told that we had a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant 

We were able to get pregnant with our two oldest daughters fairly easily and within a few years of each other with the help of fertility treatments.

But then it would be seven years before we were able to get pregnant again. 

And those seven years were filled with dozens of failed fertility treatments (the same one that was successful before), surgeries, medications, shots, doctors appointments many disappointments.

Finally after seven years , we were able to get pregnant after our third round of IVF with our daughter Ivy.

But those were some of the hardest seven years.

SO I never questioned my faith or felt like I wanted to stop coming to church.

But it was hard to come to church at times. 

This was a time when most of my friends were having baby after baby and had little kids while mine just got older and I  felt out of place at times because I was in a different stage of life and it was hard.

However, it was while I was at church that I also felt closest to Christ and often felt the spirit calm my heart and give me comfort.

I want to share three quick experiences that helped me feel the love of Christ during this trial that in turn helped me feel like I had a place in the gospel.

I was serving in the Primary Presidency during a particularly hard season of our infertility journey.  

And I remember on several occasions coming to church- having just gone through a grueling week of fertility shots, or learning that our fertility treatment had failed-and I felt really bitter and sad. And often felt like I wanted to stay home.

AS soon as I walked through those Primary doors 

there was a tangible spirit that would overcome me and I would feel immense peace and joy. 

As I interacted with the children, taught my Sharing Time and sang Primary hymns 

I was given relief from my trial and could feel my burdens physically being lifted.

And I will forever be grateful for that calling and those tender mercies.

Another experience I wanted to share happened at a RS activity. 

While there someone brought up that our friend (who was also there) had just found out she was having another baby.

And of course, everyone was so happy and excited for her. And I'm sure I tried to put on a happy face and congratulate her- but inside my heart was breaking. This was during another really tender time for me.

As I got home that night and stepped out of my car, I saw someone pull up behind me. And it was that friend who I just learned was pregnant. 

and she ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug and with tears in her eyes she told me she loved me and she was so sorry for the pain I was feeling

 SHE TOLD ME it was okay to be sad and to not be happy for her pregnancy right then.

In that moment I felt so seen and loved and even though felt like I didn’t fit in with everyone having babies- I still felt like I had a place  because of the love of this friend was offering me.

The Third experience was when

I was being set apart by Bishop Knight as the RS President.

When I was asked to serve in that calling we were preparing to do another round of IVF. And I really thought that it meant that having this calling was Heavenly Father’s way of preparing me for more disappointment.

I really thought there was no way that I would finally be pregnant. During the same time I was in that calling 

In that blessing he told me that the desires of my heart would not be withheld from me during my time of service.

But hearing that message through Bishop Knight brought me such peace and helped me feel like God was aware of me and my worries.

We found out we were pregnant with Ivy about a month later.

Ironically, I  ended up having three babies during my time as RS President

We found out we were expecting twins shortly after Ivy turned one. This was a miraculous surprise because we did not do any fertility treatments.

I do want to say that I don't know why things worked out for us like that. 

I do know that it's not because we deserve it more, or were more faithful than others.

But I have learned that Heavenly Father knows more than we can comprehend and He is aware of us and he will make up our heartache to us.

I shared those experiences because they are moments that stood out to me. 

Moments where I remember feeling close to Christ and felt  his love for me. 

What is so beautiful about the gospel and this church and its teachings is  that -yes we talk a lot about families and raising children 

But we  also talk a lot about  loving others ,and minister  and act on promptings 

because we all have struggles that make us feel alone or like we don’t fit in.

Looking back, I know I was able to get through hard days 

because of the comfort and the love of Christ shown to me through other people 

. Whether it was primary children or a friend who was aware of me, or words given through a blessing. 

 I was able to have these  moments where I saw the hand of God in my life, experienced miracles . 

 Because of those experiences  I was able to feel like I had a place and that I belonged.