I have 25 years of healing and progresssion and time behind me when it comes to going through a school shooting.
It really is crazy to think about.
25 years of growth and steps backward and 25 years of trauma and nightmares and 25 years of PTSD and being on high alert when I'm in public.
25 years of knowing that bad things can happen to anyone and knowing I'm not invincible.
25 years to learn what forgiveness means and how it has helped me heal.
25 years of learning empathy, having compassion and becoming who I am today for what I have gone through.
25 years of remembering.
25 years of being more aware of the miracles that happened that day and continue to happen in my life.
25 years of being grateful for my life.
"With our trust and faith in God, trials and afflictions can be consecrated for our good. Lived with faith, trials and sacrifices we would never choose can bless us and others in ways never imagined. Heavenly Father does not give trials to punish or judge."
25 years of doing hard things.
When reflecting on this milestone I can't help but still think this happened to me.
I actually lived through a school shooting and it was my school on the news. It was my community. It was my classmates and friends and people I knew who died or were injurned.
It's a very real thing to actually come to terms with. And looking back over the years I have to recognize the hard things I have done despite and inspite of it all.
"But Jesus Christ also intimately understands our every pain, affliction, sickness, sorrow, separation. He helps heal the broken and disparaged, reconcile the angry and divided, comfort the lonely and isolated, encourage the uncertain and imperfect, and bring forth miracles possible only with God."
Going back to the beginning.
Weeks after it happened I joined my classmates and attended our rival and neighboring high school- Chatfield- to finish off the school year. We split the day with Chatfield- they went in the morning and we were bussed their in the afternoon. When I got home it was dinner time.
We had to learn the layout of a new school and be back IN A SCHOOL so soon after our tragedy.
But we did it.
I walked through my school weeks (months?) later to collect my garbage bag full of belongings left in the school. It contained my back pack, the clothes I wore that day (I had been in PE at the time) my locker belongings including my lunch from April 20th. It felt eery. And it was hard and it was scary and it didn't feel right.
And that following August- I went back to school at Columbine as a sophomore. I would walk past the gym, the library that had been closed off and although they tried to cosmetically change what needed to be changed- I still am in awe that myself and so many of the students and teachers and faculty chose to go back.
I would go on to graduate from Columbine High School in 2002- for three more years in the school that caused so much pain. But somehow- actually made so many good memories.
Kids are resillient. I don't know that I would go back to where it happened if I were an adult. But as kids- we felt empowered.
"With eternal power and infinite goodness, in God’s plan of happiness all things can work together for our good. We can face life with confidence and not fear."
We were strong and Columbine made us that way.
I've done hard things by way of choosing to look for the good, for choosing to forgive and choosing to move forward.
I've done hard things by living with reocurring nightmares, dealing with certain smells and weather and songs triggering flashbacks or feelings or emotions.
I've done hard things by learning to let myself feel sadness when I need to, to do deep dives into reading about Columbine on the internet- finding my victim statement on line, reading my sister's statement- and just giving myself grace when I just need to soak it all in- to go through my box labeled "Columbine" and look through all the memories, letters and more.
I've done hard things for choosing to not read about or learn about other school shootings- because it is always just too hard- because it takes me back to that place.
I've done hard things by sharing my story in group settings, online, in the newspaper and in video form.
I've done hard things by talking to my children about what happened to me. And by having those conversations more often than you might think- answering their questions and calming their worries.
I've done hard things by sending my children to school.
I've done hard things by learning to accept how others heal and accepting their stance on gun laws and what the "solution" is.
I've done hard things by sometimes still feeling "stuck" at age 15 the age I experienced this trauama.
I've done hard things by going out in public despite my mind almost always going to ...what if...and what I would do...
It has been 25 years of "doing hard things" because of my experience.
And it's all a part of my story and my journey and while I don't want it to define me (although I know at times it has and will) I hope, that in some way it has also refined me.
I've experienced other heartache, too. Infertility, Death, Sadness, Loneliness, Worries, a pandemic, difficult pregnancies and more.
I've learned from those things, too.
25 years ago my life changed and flipped upside down. My parents and siblings and extended family and my community all had their life changed.
25 years is a lifetime and I can only hope that I've done the best with my situation as I possibly could.
"When we trust God and His love for us, even our greatest heartbreaks can, in the end, work together for our good."
At the end of the day we remember the 13 lives lost- the lives they didn't get to live. Their families who live with this pain every day.
I hope they feel peace today and feel proud of themselves for doing something they never should have had to do. I hope they feel their loved ones close. I know they are with us.
"You are a Columbine Rebel for life and no one can ever take that away from you."
HOPE, RESILIENCE and REMEMBRANCE
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