Columbine 24 Years Later

 Today marks the 24th year since Columbine.

I always wonder what I will write about on this day and even when I don't think I have anything new to say- some thoughts come to remembrance and that is what has happened this year.

I want to share a story that I have told noone. It always felt too sacred but I want it to be shared because I think it is important, too.

It is an experience I had six months after Columbine.

This day I was at school when there was a rumor of a bomb threat. We had these often during the next few years after April 20th. Bomb threats or rumors of someone else coming back to "finish the job".

For some reason this bomb threat sent me going home early. I can't recall the details if it was just whisperings in the hallway or something that was talked about by adminstration- or who left or who stayed but I do believe I went home early.

I remember this gutted me and took me right back to April 20th- only six months earlier.

That night I lay on the bottom bunk bed and I curled up into a ball and just cried and cried.

I felt so broken.

I was so sad.

I hated how I felt.

I was hopeless.

I remember as I laid there I suddenly felt a strong prescence on my back as if someone had their had on pressed down and began rubbing it. 

It felt peaceful.

It felt calming.

I remember that I soon was able to calm down and relax and as I fell asleep I had the distinct impression that it was my Grandma Barker, who had passed away about three years prior- who was my heavenly angel that evening sent down to comfort me in my time of need.

I never questioned it, I just believed.

I have thought about that experience several times over the years and it still feels just as strong today as it did then.

I believe that our loved ones still live and are aware of us. I believe they watch over us and help us daily- in ways we are aware of- and ways we are not.

This experience is one I will never forget and a reminder that even when you feel alone and that noone is there- we are surrounede by angels even if we can't recognize what that feels like.

I know even small moments like that one were made for me to help me during my healing process and that others who have gone through similar tragedies need our prayers.

24 years later I still have triggers. I still cry. I still cannot believe that I lived through a school shooting. It almost feels like I'm wathcing a movie or reading about something someone else went through.

I've talked about it so much I could do it in my sleep, yet I still remember things that were once forgotten and then the emotions are right back to the surface.

So this year I'm leaning into everything. I'm grateful for time. I'm grateful for forgiveness. I'm grateful that even though I live with PTSD I have been able to have my heart softened and I am not filled with anger.

24 year is SO many years.