20 Years Later: How I Told My Kids About Columbine

Because I was only 15  when the tragedy at Columbine happened I didn't think about the possibility of telling my future children about my experience.

Once I became a mother I realized that I would need to tell my children my story- that they would need to know this part of my life.

To be honest, I put it off for as long as I could. I shielded them from it. I didn't want them to be scared. I didn't want them to be afraid to go to school and I didn't want to shatter their innocence. 

I never talked about other school shootings in front of them and I did what I could- to not talk about Columbine around them.

For years I thought about how or when I would go about doing this. I had conversations over and over in my head on how it would go.

I imagined it being a special moment- hopefully when they were much older.

However,  the time came where I needed to talk about it with them. 

I didn't exactly plan it that way- but it just happened naturally.

It was right before the 19 year remembrance ( I like that word better than anniversary) and shortly after the shooting in Parkland, Florida.

A friend of  mine who works at our local newspaper reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to be interviewed for the Desert News on an article they were working on focusing on survivors of school violence. 

I agreed to be interviewed. The journalist then told me they wanted to send a photographer to my home to take some pictures with me and my girls. 

It was then that I knew I needed to explain to them what happened.

They were eight and six. 

When I was that age I didn't even think about school shootings. We never had lock down drills (which their school practices regularly) and the only "scary" thing about school was having a fire drill or an earth quake drill.

But I felt that the time was right to talk to them about Columbine.

I knew I wouldn't go into great detail. I  wanted to explain it to them on their level and in a way that their little minds could comprehend.

I remember sitting them down and telling them that we were going to get our picture taken for the newspaper. I told them that someone wrote a story about me and what happened to me when I was in high school.

Then I asked them about their lock down drills at school. I asked them why they do them and how it makes them feel.

They told me it's in case "bad" people come into the school. That they'll know what to do and how to wait for the police to help them be safe.

I was nervous then knowing what I needed to tell them.

So very matter of factly, I told them that when I was 15 something happened at my school.

I told them that two boys made a very bad decision and decided to hurt kids at my school using guns.

I told them that I was at school, and their Aunt Diana was, too.

I remember them sitting very still and very quietly as they processed this.

I told them that I was able to get out of the school and that I was okay.

Again, their eyes were so wide and they huddled in closer to me. Lyla began to cry and then Phoebe did.

I held them and cried, too. 

They told me that they never wanted to go to school again. That they didn't want that to happen to them.

It broke my heart.

I reassured them that they are safe at school and that they don't need to be afraid. I told them that I pray for their safety every day and that they can feel happy at school.

We talked about how using guns to hurt people is not the answer. That the boys made a really bad choice.

I didn't want to tell them that people died or that the boys killed themselves. But they asked. So I answered them.

They asked if anyone died.

Yes, some kids died I told them.

They asked what happened to the boys.

I told them that they shot themselves and died, too. 

My girls were so quiet. Still weeping a little as we hugged.

And then, "I'm so glad you didn't die mom". 

To this day, out of no-where they will tell me how they are glad I didn't die. It is the saddest thing- yet such a tender thing for little girls to be telling their mom.

There were more tears as we sat together and they processed it. 

Thankfully, by the next day they were no longer saying they were scared to go to school. I find that to be a huge blessing. They love going to school. They thrive and are happy at school.

And sending them to school is a huge step for me, too.

I have to push away the worries I have- as best I can- in order to send them to school each day. I can't dwell on it or it would consume me.

But there are things that bring me back to that place.

Whenever I hear an ambulance siren in the distance during the day I brace myself.

 I wonder for a second if it is heading to their school. I say a prayer that it's not.

I volunteer at school so much because I love being in the class. I love meeting their friends and getting to know their teachers.

But another reason is because it calms me. 

If I'm there enough, then perhaps I'd end up being at the school  if something were to happen. It makes me feel better to know they wouldn't have to go through it alone. I'd rather be there than anywhere else in that case.

It has been a year since I told them a small part of my story ( they don't know very much specifically) and they still bring it up. 

They loved being on the cover of the newspaper! I'm glad they are able to focus on that.

I know as they get older I'll tell them more. And one day, I'll have to tell Ivy about, too.

The part I hope they remember and what they'll take away from it is that our choices matter. It matters how we react and how we choose to do things. That if we are sad or struggling we need to talk to someone. I hope they'll know that there is still good in the world. That people are good. That bad things happen but we still have to live our life and do it not in fear.

And I  hope by having their mom be a Columbine Survivor they can be strong and brave, too.

Listen to the interview I did for the Mint Arrow podcast here

19 years

18 years

17 years

16 years

15 years part one
     part two
     part three

14 years

13 years

12 years

11 years

10 years part one
    part  two

9 years