sweet baby jacob: "too beautiful for earth"

This past week has been emotionally charged for me. 

I am typically pretty open on our blog about my feelings, but this experience has been too close to my heart, and too special and  sacred to share with just anyone.

  I will share what I put on Facebook, it took me almost all day to compose what I wanted to say, I know I didn't need to put anything but I felt like I needed to. In the end, I pray I conveyed what I needed to. All my other feelings and memories have been carefully recorded in my own private journal, which is the first time  I've actually written in a private journal in years. But I don't want to forget anything. This has changed me, I've never gone through something like this with people I am so close to. I have learned, and grown and leaned on my Heavenly Father so much more than I have in a long time.

With permission from Sara I share the following.

From Facebook:

I have never fully understood how the heart can feel so heavy, saddened and full of heartache, but also be filled with love, gratitude, and peace all at the same time until recently. My heart has been broken for some of our best friends who have experienced the most tragic loss. As I've witnessed so many people rally around them giving of their time, prayers, thoughts and service I can't help but feel so grateful for their wonderful example to me. My faith and testimony has been strengthened and a lot of that comes from the fighting, strong spirit of sweet Jacob's parents, along with their sweet spirited children who have taught me so much. I will never forget this experience, and the quiet, sacred moments of peace and assurance that I've felt over the past few days because of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know families are forever and that Jacob will always be a part of his eternal family. I will miss Jacob and love him forever

Jacob's obituary

There is one experience I want to share because I want people to know that those promptings and those thoughts and feelings you hear in your heart are real and inspired.

The day that my dear, dear friend was in the hospital getting ready to give birth we were texting back and forth, both excited for  this baby to come into their family and into our lives. I had no reason really to think that anything other than a safe and healthy delivery would transpire. But sometime in the afternoon the thought came so clearly into my mind, that if something bad were to happen, I'd need to pray for guidance in how I could help Sara.

It was a fleeting, yet powerful thought that I know was not my own. Why would I ever even think that?

 Just a few hours later,  I got what was probably the worst {right up there with when I learned my mom had breast cancer} phone call of my life.  Although I'm not family and just a friend, I felt for a moment like the world stopped, in that moment all the happiness and anticipation and excitement was over.

 Yet I knew exactly what I needed to do and my mind was able to function enough to do so. 

So as I sat there crying the saddest, heaviest tears, I knew exactly what I needed to pray for right there in that moment and through the shock and pain I was feeling, I felt guided. I am grateful for that tender mercy and for that prompting that I had received.

In the weeks leading up to this, I had also been praying more to feel closer to God and to be more aware of the needs of those around me. I have felt His guidance and His peace and comfort and I am grateful that I have been preparing myself to be able to recognize those blessings.

My girls and I at the graveside service. 

Lyla and her little best friend. My heart hurts for him so much that he and his sister don't get to have their baby brother on this earth.

Watching the balloon release.

No casket should be that small. It has been humbling to be able to explain to Lyla about baby Jacob and how he lives with Jesus now.  Lyla has said "please bless Jacob" a few different times now during family prayer without any prompting from us. It makes me cry every time.

I want to share the quote that was on the back of Jacob's graves side service program. It brings me peace.

" Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."-- Jeffrey R. Holland